Growing up I had my BFF.  Not only was she my BFF but she was my only true friend.  I was not hated by all but she was the one.  She was the person that I visited after school, slept over all weekend and had a blast with.  We were not the most popular girls in school nor did we want to be.  We were fine with that.  We were ourselves.  We played Barbies until we were older then I am willing to admit.  We were two peas in a pod.  We went for walks around the neighborhood and stayed up all night watching movies such as Dirty Dancing!  She was my escape from everything else and the ONLY person who really knew me.  This was all fine until one day it changed.

One Summer afternoon my BFF told me that she was moving.  I was all of a sudden broken.  As I think back on it now I wonder why it was so untactful.  Either way it was the worst moment of my life and one I carry with me.  I felt abandoned and alone.  She was my friend, she was my BFF she was part of me.  I remember thinking that this could not be happening.  My mind raced with ways around it.  Could I go too… Perhaps she could stay… perhaps it was a dream and I would wake up soon… QUICK some one pinch me!

It was no dream.  She was off to start a new life and I was left here alone.  We had plans that in the summer I would come and visit.  I looked forward to it for the rest of the school year.  I could not wait.  I missed my other pea.  I needed to have my BFF back!  While waiting to go and see my BFF something happened.  I met a new friend.  A boyfriend!  I was so anxious to have someone to tell all of my secrets to.  Someone to love me no matter what.  Someone to share me with.  And so it was.  By the time I went out to visit my BFF I had a BFF (boy friend forever!).  This made things tough that summer.  My BFF who had moved had changed as had I.  We spent three very hard weeks together and it ended us forever!

Over the years I have been sad about this loss of a BFF.  Can someone really be a BFF or is it childhood dream.  I remember having the heart necklaces together.  You know the ones where one person had the “best” and the other had the “friends”.  At what point is all of that lost?  I think that we grow and even in that short amount of time in 9th grade that we were apart we each changed.  The change was not a bad thing.  It was just something that neither of us expected.  As teens I think that we were not able to share that knowledge that perhaps we were growing apart.  We abruptly stopped talking to one another and have lived our lives for the past 17 years without one another.  The weird part is that she is always there in my head.

Recently I reconnected with this BFF of the past.  I so want to be 14 again and try again but it is just too late for all of that.  I have to live in the now.  I am a mother of three now.  I have new BFF’s (I think I am too old to call them that), I have changed so much as a person over time.  In my head she is still the same person she used to be.  I know in my heart that this is silly to think but I want it to be true.

So I am beinging a new journey with my BFF of the past.  I am not sure how it will go.  Perhaps we will have nothing in common.  Perhaps she has not thought about me at all in the past 17 years.  Perhaps I am just trying to cling on to a past that I have not resolved.  Either way I am thrilled to have found her.  To be able to tell her how much I think about her.  To be able to show her the new me.  Perhaps the journey will be a great growing experience!

Becca

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